7 tips by Dr Anna Maria Vella on how to have positive sex
1. Learn to love a real woman/man
The woman we see in the media, always clean, always ready, and with the perfect figure does not exist!! Real women have cellulite, they are short or tall, they work, they need to eat, they get tired, they have different body shapes. One can feel very attracted and sexually aroused even with a woman who does not have the perfect figure.
2. Enjoyable sex is a reflection of what goes on during the day
Real, enjoyable sex is a reflection of the giving that goes on during the day. It starts when she makes his lunch, he sends a message to say thank you, he makes her tea, she listens to him etc Men often complain that “she is cold and never interested”. But I ask... what is happening throughout the day? Are the couple making an effort to be kind to each other, to listen, to support each other? Are they being together?
3. Look at your partner as a person with feelings
If, since your early boyfriend-girlfriend stage, you have just seen your girlfriend as something beautiful to be used, how can you expect her to be interested? One has to train hard to start seeing his partner or wife as a woman who has feelings, who is human.
4. Pornography harms
I have met a woman whose husband was deep in pornography. She shared how she felt used and knew that he saw her as a woman not as a wife. When their son was 13 years old she decided to separate, despite having a hard time from her family who did not know the reason why she was doing so. However, she did not want to expose her son to the lifestyle of his father. Pornography has a huge influence on one’s life.
5. After a sports injury or surgery accept your new body
Sometimes, there might be circumstances, when the couple cannot be intimate, sometimes for months, because of a sports injury or an operation. However, the couple can still be close as long as they are willing to accept one’s body rather than expect performance. I remember a sexologist once telling us at a conference that impotency after heart surgery can heal more quickly if the partner/wife does not expect her husband to perform, but accepts him as he is at that moment. We have to accept how our body works.
6. Keep loving even as you grow old
Every couple passes through different phases in life, love is expressed differently in the various stages. Unless the couple learns to move from one phase to the other, their intimate life will become stale and monotonous. The sexual relationship moves from one stage to the other as long as the couple is committed to keep it alive and interesting. It is very encouraging for me when I see a couple who have been together for a number of years and I can feel that they are still in love, that they enjoy each other’s company and that their sexual relationship is still alive.
7. Where there is love, there is no shame
God created sex as another way to express our love and unity not to tell us “don’t do this or that”. This topic needs to be discussed more between couples, in society, and as a Church. As a society we need to see sex in a more positive way.
Published: June 2018